[At first, Nathan only writes "no". All this lack of chatspeak is really kind of uncharacteristic, so it must be bad. But he figures he can probably trust Tifa to keep her mouth shut about all of this, anyway. So he'll just...let it all out.]
[She's just going to let him talk. If he needs to ease into it, that's fine. It's already strange that he's being so serious, so she'll just roll with it as best as she can.]
a few nights ago and im not fucking over it yet so i figure maybe i should talk to someone idk that's what people do right they talk about this shit when it doesn't go away
[There's a pause before she responds, because she's not completely sure how to reply. It's reminding her of the fact that he was willing to be killed by Jack just to keep someone else from dying, and it's... Well. It even sounds a little heroic. From Nathan!]
Oh, Nathan. I'm so sorry. It's just a dream, right? Your friends are still okay at home.
[He sits on this response for a long minute, taking a breath, his hands shaking, wondering if he should just erase all of this and say something stupid and shitty and act like it was all a joke and of course he's fine, right? Nothing bothers him. Cool as a cucumber.
But it's all flooding back and he's so tired of pretending like it didn't happen]
my little brother's dead which i guess i'm over i mean it was a few months ago whatever
[He's not sure why he did that, try to brush it off. Like that'll make it hurt less than it still does.]
and kelly's dead too and probably more of them i didn't have time to fucking check before i woke up here i just know she's gone and i should've been there
it's always supposed to be me finding out someone killed her is the last thing i remember before all of this shit
This is completely new ground for them, and Tifa is shocked by both the fact that he's being so honest and that he's lost so many people. She didn't expect it, not when he's so nonchalant and ridiculous about everything. Maybe that was unfair of her.
She hesitates again, wishing they were having this conversation in person, or at least not over text. Text just seems so impersonal, but she figures he's picked it for a reason, so she doesn't try to get him to switch.
And too bad brushing things off is Tifa's go to coping method, Nathan! She recognizes what he's doing immediately.]
Nathan, you know that wasn't your fault, right? It couldn't have been. Just because you can come back to life doesn't mean you could have stopped it. It's okay if you're still hurting, or if you're not over it. If it helps to talk about any of it, I'll listen.
[Nathan's breathing starts to come out erratic, and his vision erupts into spots, so he puts his head between his knees and breathes. Just breathes until he can will his breathing to go back into some pathetic semblance of normal. And not cry. He's not going to blubber. It doesn't matter that he's alone, he won't let it happen. What good would it even do? It's just a waste of energy.]
you don't need to know about any of this im
[He's sorry. He's sorry he's bogging her down with all of his personal shit when she has to have plenty of bigger, more important or relevant things to worry about. But he's not going to say he's sorry, because that's just even more pathetic, in the end, isn't it? This is bad enough as it is.
Well, nobody's going to know about it, anyway.]
a fucking mess i didn't even know i had a brother and then i met him and then he died the same goddamn night like being brought into my life just ended his he was just a fucking kid
and i saw it happen i was right there i tried to get him in time and i didn't so i just watched him fucking explode
i barely even knew him but i can't stop thinking about it jesus christ everyone else just started acting like he never even showed up so what else am i going to do???
[Another breath. In and out. And then he laughs, he can't help it. Not that Tifa's there to see or hear it.]
this has gotta be rich coming from the sociopath
[Not that Tifa was the one who called him that, but it's still just another damn thing that stings.]
[Tifa switches to audio herself, mostly because she thinks it might help him to hear someone's voice.]
You're not a sociopath.
[She keeps her voice quiet, trying to be soothing. She's not sure if it'll work.]
I'm sorry about your brother. You know that wasn't your fault either, don't you? He didn't die because he met you. Sometimes... [She hesitates.] Sometimes terrible things happen. It isn't fair, but... at least you got to meet before...
[Nathan tries to switch to audio, but he can't get the words out. Well, he gets out a few strings of curses, but that's about the extent of his ability to coherently speak as his brain fogs over with this panic.
Still, hearing Tifa's voice does help him, even if he can't return the sentiment.]
he wouldn't have been at the party that he died at if I hadn't brought him there wouldn't have met the person that he died with if I hadn't introduced him
[He leans back, away from his tablet, and rubs his face. He runs a hand through his hair. He rubs his face again.]
[She knows exactly how this feels, which makes it all the more difficult to help him, paradoxically. She runs through a million different responses in her mind, then finally settles on one:]
That doesn't mean you're the reason he died. What could you have done differently? You had no way of knowing.
[It sounds lame even to her. If anyone told her something similar about Aerith, she wouldn't believe it.]
[Because of so many reasons, right? Where to fucking begin.]
because the last time bad shit happened to her i promised i wouldn't leave her again
[But that's not really all. That's not even the half of it.]
i was just so fucking self absorbed doing my own shit i guess i might as well just say it here because she's never going to hear me tell her that i fucking love her
not that it would make a difference if i did but that was all i could think when i found out she was gone
[That answer again. Nathan's starting to calm down. He still feels wretched and guilty but...he's said it. That counts for something.]
i thought she felt the same way about me she said it in those same words anyway and then just fuckin nothing out of nowhere she didn't care anymore
i wouldn't ever ask her to be anyone else or to want to be with me but sometimes i think about how i told her one time i'd change stop being such a goddamn shithead all the time
You aren't one all the time. But... maybe you should be more honest with people. I thought... [She sighs.] I used to think you didn't care about anyone. I know that isn't true. [She says that last part quickly, afraid to give him the wrong idea.] But I think it would be easier on you if you didn't brush things off by joking all the time, you know?
[Like you don't brush everything off by worrying about other people, Tifa.]
[There's a sizeable chunk of time before Nathan responds. Perhaps taking the time to get his composure back. His voice sounds somewhat raw, but calm, at least.]
I'm okay. I'm fine. It's all sorted. Do me a favor and have a good day for me, yeah?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@captaininvincible; text; morning 120
i just kind of need to talk to someone
i know this is kind of fucking out of nowhere so dont worry if you cant talk or whatever
[Fucking Jesus Christ is he actually doing this? Nathan must truly be some desperate, shaken, sorry bastard right now.]
@lockhart; text
No, it's okay.
Is everything alright?
no subject
did you have some messed up dream?
no subject
[She's just going to let him talk. If he needs to ease into it, that's fine. It's already strange that he's being so serious, so she'll just roll with it as best as she can.]
no subject
and im not fucking over it yet so i figure maybe i should talk to someone
idk that's what people do right they talk about this shit when it doesn't go away
no subject
[Well, Tifa doesn't but. You know.]
What was your dream about?
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[Yes, shocker, he has them! A truly incredible and cinematic reveal to go down in the history books.]
i told you how i died a few times back home
but it always worked out in the end because me dying meant everyone else who couldn't come back was ok
but i dreamed it wasn't ok and i kept dying and coming back and every time they should've been ok they weren't
they were just dead
no subject
Oh, Nathan. I'm so sorry.
It's just a dream, right? Your friends are still okay at home.
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fuck i don't even know
[He sits on this response for a long minute, taking a breath, his hands shaking, wondering if he should just erase all of this and say something stupid and shitty and act like it was all a joke and of course he's fine, right? Nothing bothers him. Cool as a cucumber.
But it's all flooding back and he's so tired of pretending like it didn't happen]
my little brother's dead
which i guess i'm over i mean it was a few months ago whatever
[He's not sure why he did that, try to brush it off. Like that'll make it hurt less than it still does.]
and kelly's dead too
and probably more of them
i didn't have time to fucking check before i woke up here
i just know she's gone and i should've been there
it's always supposed to be me
finding out someone killed her is the last thing i remember
before all of this shit
no subject
This is completely new ground for them, and Tifa is shocked by both the fact that he's being so honest and that he's lost so many people. She didn't expect it, not when he's so nonchalant and ridiculous about everything. Maybe that was unfair of her.
She hesitates again, wishing they were having this conversation in person, or at least not over text. Text just seems so impersonal, but she figures he's picked it for a reason, so she doesn't try to get him to switch.
And too bad brushing things off is Tifa's go to coping method, Nathan! She recognizes what he's doing immediately.]
Nathan, you know that wasn't your fault, right? It couldn't have been.
Just because you can come back to life doesn't mean you could have stopped it.
It's okay if you're still hurting, or if you're not over it. If it helps to talk about any of it, I'll listen.
no subject
you don't need to know about any of this
im
[He's sorry. He's sorry he's bogging her down with all of his personal shit when she has to have plenty of bigger, more important or relevant things to worry about. But he's not going to say he's sorry, because that's just even more pathetic, in the end, isn't it? This is bad enough as it is.
Well, nobody's going to know about it, anyway.]
a fucking mess
i didn't even know i had a brother
and then i met him and then he died the same goddamn night like being brought into my life just ended his
he was just a fucking kid
and i saw it happen
i was right there i tried to get him in time and i didn't
so i just watched him fucking explode
i barely even knew him but i can't stop thinking about it jesus christ
everyone else just started acting like he never even showed up so what else am i going to do???
[Another breath. In and out. And then he laughs, he can't help it. Not that Tifa's there to see or hear it.]
this has gotta be rich coming from the sociopath
[Not that Tifa was the one who called him that, but it's still just another damn thing that stings.]
audio!
You're not a sociopath.
[She keeps her voice quiet, trying to be soothing. She's not sure if it'll work.]
I'm sorry about your brother. You know that wasn't your fault either, don't you? He didn't die because he met you. Sometimes... [She hesitates.] Sometimes terrible things happen. It isn't fair, but... at least you got to meet before...
[Well.]
no subject
Still, hearing Tifa's voice does help him, even if he can't return the sentiment.]
he wouldn't have been at the party that he died at if I hadn't brought him there
wouldn't have met the person that he died with if I hadn't introduced him
[He leans back, away from his tablet, and rubs his face. He runs a hand through his hair. He rubs his face again.]
no subject
That doesn't mean you're the reason he died. What could you have done differently? You had no way of knowing.
[It sounds lame even to her. If anyone told her something similar about Aerith, she wouldn't believe it.]
no subject
[But not knowing is so fucking hard, isn't it? Because what if you did know?]
but i could have done something about kelly
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He's never told her about Kelly, though, or... Any of his friends, really.]
Why do you say that?
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[Because of so many reasons, right? Where to fucking begin.]
because the last time bad shit happened to her
i promised i wouldn't leave her again
[But that's not really all. That's not even the half of it.]
i was just so fucking self absorbed
doing my own shit
i guess i might as well just say it here because she's never going to hear me tell her that i fucking love her
not that it would make a difference if i did
but that was all i could think when i found out she was gone
no subject
Oh, Nathan. I'm so sorry, I...
[She trails off, staying silent for a long moment.]
I know it's hard. I've lost people, too. And... I don't think it ever goes away, but it gets... easier. I'm sure she knew you cared about her.
no subject
[That answer again. Nathan's starting to calm down. He still feels wretched and guilty but...he's said it. That counts for something.]
i thought she felt the same way about me
she said it in those same words anyway
and then just fuckin nothing out of nowhere
she didn't care anymore
i wouldn't ever ask her to be anyone else or to want to be with me
but sometimes i think about how i told her one time i'd change
stop being such a goddamn shithead all the time
i didn't change
maybe that's what's really on me
no subject
[Like you don't brush everything off by worrying about other people, Tifa.]
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[Okay, so maybe that's a bit of a flippant response, but his time-sensitive empathy meter is starting to dwindle.]
half the ppl here are complete twats anyhow
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Maybe. But we're friends, Nathan. If you're not doing okay, you can tell me. I won't think any differently of you.
audio
I'm okay. I'm fine. It's all sorted. Do me a favor and have a good day for me, yeah?
no subject
[She doesn't sound very convinced, but she doesn't push him, either.]
Stay safe, alright? I'll talk to you soon.